Military Families

It was a normal day in April in 2005. Nothing was betraying that on that day our life would change fairly drastically. In an unusual fashion, our 17 and one half years old son came home earlier than usual. Typically, he would stay out with his friends until late evening, but on that April day he came in and asked his mom and me to sit down with him as he had something to tell us. As the request was unusual, I was a little on edge to find out if he had gotten himself in some trouble.
He was not the kind of teenager that every week would present us with some nasty parental challenge, but the seriousness of his request was unnerving.
He just blurted it out and with his words our lives immediately changed: mom, dad, I have decided to join the Marines after graduating High School.

With those few words, we became a Military family, on one hand busting with pride for such a mature decision, on the other completely terrified by his joining in a time of war. He left for the dreaded Marine Corps boot camp the following August. For the three months he was in basic training, the only communication with him was through letters and two phone calls. During his permanence at Marine Corps Recruiting Depot, San Diego, my wife and I, and sometimes my daughter, would drive to the depot on Sundays to attend the Mass my son attended. The religious service was attended by hundreds of recruits and at times it was difficult to locate our son. But we still went, every Sunday, with the hope to get a fleeting glimpse of him.

Finally, graduation came. And our boy was back home.

Even before my son joined the USMC, I had noticed a troublesome disconnect between the Military and the civilian world. The volunteer nature of the US Armed Forces has its good and its negative connotation. In a positive way, the vast majority of those signing up for the Military are going to do so in response to a sense of duty toward their country. Conversely, those among the population who have no direct relation with someone in uniform tend to see the Military as a distant entity. Very disturbing is the impression I received from so many that the Military is there, is expected to be there, is expected to protect the country, but not my son or brother or any close relative.

Our family does not have a military tradition. I came from Italy and although I almost joined the USMC in 1980, I did not after meeting the woman who is today my wife of 27 years. She came from a family who had mostly on the liberal tendency. She had an uncle and a cousin that had been Marines, but these individuals were definitely not an influence on my son.
But what my son and daughter witnessed as they were growing up was a great show of respect for the Military and of love for our country. And that must have been the influencing factor for my children growing up with a deep sense of personal character and ethics.

There are some aspects of the new categorization as a Military family that come with the territory and are not always pleasant. Mostly, it is the comments coming from those people who not only have no relative in the Armed Forces, but also are so detached from the reality of the world we live in that they basically just do not get it.
The first impact comes from the comments received. As I am very proud of my son and his decision to serve the country as a Marine in a time when America is involved in two separate conflicts, our family is very vocal regarding my son’s service. The comments have been as disparate as they have been bizarre.
One lady, for example, upon hearing from my wife of our son’s joining promptly retorted: “Is he crazy? Does he want to commit suicide?” which forced my wife to resort to all her inner strength not to physically hurt the woman.
One of the most common responses we got before Obama became President was an immediate “oh, I don’t agree with this war” to which I say “nobody asked your opinion on the war”.
Of course that happened mostly when Bush was President because it had nothing to do with the war or the Military, but only with a political stand. So, by the same reference point, I should be bitter toward my son’s impending deployment because I am opposed to Obama and he is Commander in Chief now that my Marine is going to be deployed.

It is very common for Military families to basically retreat from social activities as their loved one is deployed. Shying away from parties or vacations is not unusual. There is a common sense of guilt for doing anything that is somewhat pleasant knowing that our loved one is probably humping in 120 degrees heat with 100lb pack on his back, risking to be shot at any step. Comments are: “why are you sacrificing? He is the one that volunteered”, or, even better: “why are you so worried sick, he is the one that chose to join”, as if the fact that my son joined the US Marines without being forced, on his own accord is good enough reason not to care about him and his safety any longer.

I heard the most accurate definition of a Military family mental condition: yes our sons or daughters voluntarily joined, but the families were drafted.
There are many more statements that clearly define military families and their feelings. For example some parents have stated that they have not taken a deep breath since their child joined. That is very accurate and true as their deployment to a combat zone approaches.

In my own opinion, this is a pure case of the “walk in my shoes for a while” phenomenon. While the families of Military are consumed by worries and anxieties, those around them without Military concern are totally clueless and tend to show it. If only these non-Military families would realize that the best thing to do is to be close emotionally, to lend an ear when the going gets rough. There is really no fix that anyone can bring to a mom whose son is in the middle of an active combat zone. The only cure for that “disease” is for that son to be home.

So if you know someone whose loved one is in Iraq or Afghanistan, please do not try to ‘make it better’ or ‘take their minds off’ because it is very annoying. And definitely do NOT bring a political opinion into the equation. Military families are so far removed from the political environment surrounding their kid’s situation as possible. A serviceman or woman does not pledge allegiance to a specific politician or party. Their oath is to defend the United States Constitution from enemies foreign and domestic. A specific Commander-in-Chief is also not the focus of their allegiance, but the office the person represents.

I could spend a lot more time on the issue of Military families, especially since I have joined, or should be better stated been drafted, into that segment of the population. Just be close to them emotionally and be understanding about the fact that more often than not, their minds are very far from the place and time. And enjoy the moment when we will be finally taking a deep breath again.

And these are my thoughts!
Frank “Semperpapa”