You Might Be A Rightwing Extremist...

One of my favorite comedians is Jeff Foxworthy. His “you might be a redneck” routine is one of my favorite. Now, it may not be amusing or entertaining as a comedy routine, but the latest report from the Department of Homeland Security on Right Wing Extremists is so unhinged that it deserves a spoof, even if not funny.
So in the interest of public information, here are some of the guidelines to identify Right Wing Extremists:

If you fly an American flag at home or on your vehicle (extreme show of American arrogance);
If you have one of those Harvest Festival bumper sticker on your car (Christian fanatic);
If you have a “baby on board” sign on your vehicle (obviously did not use abortion);
If you have a “support the troops” magnet or sticker;
If you wear a crucifix or cross anywhere on your body;
If you don’t own a t-shirt with the picture of Che Guevara on it;
NRA sticker (you are the Right Wing of Satan);
If you own a truck;
If you own a car weighing more that 1000 lb.
If you don’t own a Prius;
If you ever watched the South Park episode with ManBearPig;
If you never cheated or on your taxes;
If you ever paid taxes;
If you know who Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity and Mark Levin are;
If you don’t own a copy of the Communist Manifesto;
If you ever used the words “wish”, “Jack Bauer” and “real” in the same sentence;
If you own a record or CD of John Wayne;
If you ever watched movies like Saving Private Ryan or 300 or Sands of Ivo Jima;
If you know what RPG stands for;
If you don’t own at least three pairs of Berkeley sandals, of which at least one is pink;
If you know the diameter of a .50 cal bullet;
If you know the difference between a rifle and a pistol;
If you know the difference between semi-automatic and fully automatic;
If you can list three weapon systems in the American arsenal;
If you know the words of the Pledge of Allegiance or the Star Spangled Banner;
If you never jumped in a zoo Polar Bears exhibit;
If you ever cheered for a United States national team in an international competition;
If you never set fire to an American flag;
If you never set fire to a condominium under construction or a lot of SUVs;
If you drive an SUV;
If you don’t own a villa in Tuscany;
If you never adopted a child from Africa;
If you ever listened to Country Music;
If you take a shower at least once a day;
If you use more than one sheet of toilette paper at one “sitting”;
If you don’t grow your own vegetables and marijuana;
If you don’t own a pink shirt;
If you don’t think American Universities are fair and balanced;
If you know what Fox News is;
If you don’t get a tingle up your leg when you see Obama;
If you never went to Cuba for medical treatment;
If you never used a cigar for something other than smoking;
If you smoke;
If you believe in executing child molesters;
If you believe lawyers trying to get guilty people off the hook should receive same sentence as the guilty;
If you don’t think Bill Maher is just the best;
If you don’t believe that Israel is the aggressor and Palestinians the victims;
If you don’t believe “under God” is offensive;
If you don’t believe that America is responsible for all the world problems;
If you are a Veteran that does not trash America;
If you traveled abroad and never felt ashamed to tell you are an American;

And if you believe that the attacks of 9-11-01 were perpetrated by 19 Islamic terrorists and not by George Bush and Dick Cheney...

you might be a rightwing extremist!

If any of the above applies to you, than expect a visit from Secretary Napolitano, that alone is a terrifying prospect, and she’ll bring Janet Reno with her.

Looks like we will be running for the hills soon…God bless and save America.



And these are my thoughts!
Frank “Semperpapa”